Guess who just broke up with me! This is kind of funny because I, like you, did not realize I was in a relationship.
The guy was a square. No, really – he existed in a little box on my computer screen. He’d gotten to the point of popping up almost every day. I looked forward to it, he made me laugh. Plus, from what I could see, he was pretty damn hot. These days, with webcams, you can see a lot.
We had gotten to know each other a bit. I learned that he pretty much works out all the time and has an incredible body. You could say he got to know me better than I him, since I did most of the “talking” but lets just say he revealed plenty. On the day he got me to plug in my webcam, my daughter AND my ridiculous parents were making fun of me in the background. At one point, Mom put a giant serrated knife in front of the camera and at another, Dad stuck his head in sideways with his mouth wide open and eye-balls rolling around like he was being birthed.
So this morning I told him that I don’t care anymore if we meet and I’m happy just having him be a guy (dick?) in a box. He responded with something asinine like “because you’re never going to get to see this in real life, anyway.”
I asked how he had come up with his decision.
“You’re corny,” he said. He went on to say I probably have lots of intense highs and lows, must be a constant attention seeker, then proceeded to make a big deal of my use of the word finally in a sentence about how I’d finally figured out a certain key to life.
I asked, “Have you ever seen me low?” Granted, I have had extremely low points – not that I was about to go into them. These days I happen to be happy almost all the time. It’s just variant degrees of bliss. Good luck getting me pissed. Anyway, he admitted he hadn’t witnessed it but my use of the word “finally” set him off. He said that’s why he’s not “all that interested” in seeing me anymore. And he was a little dramatic about it, saying,
Isn’t that cute? Isn’t there some irony, him calling me a drama queen and saying that… right after I mentioned I’ll always be here. He thinks he can disappear. Portland is WAY too small for that.