4 Years HUMP(ing)!

Last weekend was HUMP! For those out of the loop, it’s the Northwest’s BEST (only?) amateur porn fest, for one weekend each November at Cinema 21 in Portland. This marks the 4th year attending for myself and a growing gaggle of gal-pals.

In the morning, my world was covered in a sheet of ice. Living on East Tabor, whatever winter weather Portland gets is most severe here. Filled dread and determination, had to get off this mountain of ice, even if I had to crawl.

2:55pm: Got bundled, realized this might be a Herculean journey. Racking my courage, decided to entice myself with a little underwear shopping.

5:56pm: Made it to Bridget’s. The roads weren’t even bad! Pet the cat, showed off my new underwear. Outside her apartment, made a beeline for the nearest car2go vehicle. Someone was walking ahead, between us and the little blue and white car. It’s a dude with sagging sweats, backwards hat and long, perfect dreads. He’s on the phone.

HUMP 13Jokingly said, “Lets hope he doesn’t take it.”

“Take it” sounds like ticket.

Moment of pause while the thought clicks.

Then us, both in unison gasp, “Tickets!”

Bridget runs back inside.

Needed fuel. We’d been drooling over a dish at Strombreaker (on Mississippi) for weeks: warm kale salad, topped with thinly sliced bacon, a sprinkle of their scrumptious almond/sunflower-seed brittle and a poached egg. Really, this salad deserves it’s own blog entry. But it fits here. Because this is what we did before HUMP! And it’s orgasmic.

Ordered the Savage IPA. Wondered if Dan Savage would be hosting tonight’s show. Schemed about where to send the rest of our entourage for the obligatory pre funk. Narrowed it down to MuuMuu’s and North 45, both close to Cinema 21. Chose MuuMuu’s.

7:35pm: After zooming across town, were still way ahead of schedule. Stalling, hit North 45. Spotted local legend George Totonchy and his girlfriend, McKenzie across the bar. They’re hoping to get into the 8:30 show. Felt a little silly once everyone knew we’re there three hours early (for the 10:30).

8:30pm: Lena & Eric beat us to MuuMuu’s. Georgia & Jeremy arrived shortly thereafter. Also Sam (of Stumptown Crawlers) and a handsome new friend of mine. (What’s better than HUMP! for a Tinder date?) Much to the dismay of the bartender, Georgia had her rat terrier, Lucy Loo, too. It wore a teeny jacket with a big faux fur collar. Georgia reminded me, she’s been to every single HUMP! with us. Spent a good chunk of the next hour having Bridget and Georgia remind me what the hell happened all those years.

10pm: Got in line. Snagged a ballot, to vote for our favorites in four categories: Best Sex, Best Humor, Best Kink, and Best of Show. (The boxes where we stuffed the ballots later were cartoonish bodily orifices. Mine went in the butt.)

Claimed a cluster of 10 seats in the balcony. Bridget reminded me, we’re right by where we sat during our first HUMP! waaaaaay back in 2011… when I was so beat from a long day working electrics on Grimm, couldn’t keep my eyes open. Fell asleep before I even had a chance to sip my beer, missed the entire show.

Dan Savage came onstage to tell everyone, feel free to react aloud but be respectful and NO PHONES! If your phone is in your hand at any point, it will be confiscated. He reminded us, this is Portland Porn: well-outside the norm. No doubt you’ll find a blow-by-blow review at the Mercury. But here are a bunch of the stand-outs:

Humparoke – Apparently, some people are REALLY into karaoke. These folks use music, party lights and a hitachi Magic Wand as a microphone… to get the sexual juices flowing.

Tarnish – Lesbian couples’ therapy session unveils their strange kink: they pretend to be a boring, spiteful heterosexual couple.

Tuesday – Man’s butt is like a clown car. Stuff just keeps coming out of it… including a variety of objects and an almost never ending magic scarf.

Just Fucking – Just three dudes fucking. Extended close up of balls in motion.

Match Made in App Heaven – Surprise! The guy is actually a transman and the gal is a transwoman.

Rube – A giant game of Mousetrap… with sex!

Glory Hole – True love story (re-enacted) about how an older couple (dudes) met at the local Glory Hole.

The Grocer – Man’s fantasies about fresh produce… come alive.

Post show, bumped into Ashley & Jed. Ashley wore a pink hooker dress and a long blonde wig. (Because her hair is currently red and would so clash!) Several members of the group splintered off, citing typical reasons: work in the morning and sexy time with special friends. Rest of us migrated to a dance party at Holoscene and, naturally, to Sassy’s strip club across the street. By the end, we’re so deep in conversation, no one was paying attention to the spinning, thumping, glistening TnA just overhead.

Well, that was fun! Might’ve even learned something. You never know what you’re gonna get at HUMP! Basically a holiday here. Thanks for riding along this year.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s