How Not to Be a Man

Was up at 3:30 am, Sunday. Got my latest fitness challenge out of the way, then had a hearty breakfast, because my call time for Garth Brooks was 5 am and there was sure to be lots of heavy pushing, pulling and lifting involved. My co-worker came over to catch a ride at 4:20. Despite being ahead of schedule, he opted out of the Morning Bowl ceremony.

Was back home by 10 am, with plenty of time to nap before kickball.

WAKA Kickball is just getting started in Portland, but it’s nationwide, so there are regional events and more incentives to play. Also, since the league is young, there aren’t many teams. This means two important things: More play time (double headers almost every week) and you get to know the other teams (because you play them all, several times throughout the season).

There are two dudes on the orange team, Ty and Adam, who I chat with sometimes. Usually, Adam asks if I have any grass. Last time, sensing he was coming on to me, I allowed myself to get wrapped up in conversation with another guy. Adam made some passive aggressive comment about me talking to the stranger, that I let slide.

This time, Adam didn’t ask to get stoned. But he and Ty had some other things to say. First Ty said he would like to tie me up and he’s pretty sure I’d like it.

At a loss for words, opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

Adam chimed in, “Yeah I’ve seen it.” Then he went on to describe me tied up and gagged in some sort of S&M scene.

I said, “Maybe in your dreams.”

“No really, I saw it. Titties all hanging down like udders.”

Ty thought this was the funniest thing in the world. He said, “Oh yeah it was you. Udders. And that braid.” He reached over and yanked on my braid.

The look on my face must have said, “Really?”

Because Ty said, “What.”

Chose to ignore the rage. “Nothing. My beer is empty. I’m going to-”

Ty cut me off, “It’s not about if your beer is empty, it’s about if your mouth is full.”

Was I wrong to be disgusted here?

A few minutes later, Ty asked why I was so focused on my phone.

“I’m putting you on blast.”

He couldn’t believe his ears. I told him he gave me the Dumb Quote of the Day and I was posting it on Twitter as an example of an all-too-common, misogynistic guy, disrespecting women for no reason. He said, he didn’t realize…

He made a gesture to clink beer cans, the universal sign of a truce. I hesitated, but in the next moment decided, it’s his problem. Not mine. Can’t let a guy like that prevent me from enjoying kickball. Cheers.

Want to know what happened next? Check out the Blast Aftermath here.

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4 thoughts on “How Not to Be a Man

  1. I am the captain of the orange team. I greatly apologize for you having to put up with that. Nobody should ever feel uncomfortable at kickball. If I can do anything to help the situation please let me know. Again I’m sorry and I hope it doesn’t ruin your thoughts of playing.

    1. Thanks Jesse. It’d take a lot more than that to dissuade me from playing! Apparently, some people never learned manners. Mr. T said it best, “I pity the foo.”

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